Short poem: Door to heaven

This is cool...it tells me everthing I need to know...

I don't understand some of the details but I still like it...

I don't like nit-picking so look elsewhere

this is a rather interesting story....

I actually like the rhyming because it doesn't seem to be forced.



why did this man kill the boy who wasn't even bad?
how did that happen...
how is that evev possible?

why is the killer in heaven at all.

I'd like some answers.

Um. I thought tis poem was okay.
You have good writing, but the poem itself just does not seem to flow too well. Um . . . here are some of the parts I found a little um... strange:
1. The 'bill' part at the beginning
2. I think that next time, you should not use the word: Thing. Instead, try: shadow, or figure.
3. For this part: "the lad who hadn't even been bad" I think that you should put the lad part and the bad part on different lines... and then make the lad part longer.
Actually you know what? I think everything has been said.
So, overall, all you need to do is fix up the flow and the wording and I think thats it. Good job!

okay this is just my opinion and these arent my favorite kinds of poems so if i'm wrong i'm sorry


As he huffed far away,



From his bill, (what bill?)



on the head man's hill,



He stretched his limbs,



and looked around.



Only now,



did he regret,



that he had killed, (cuts off the rhyming pattern try changing around or now into something that shows more of a pattern in the rhythm and rhyming)



the lad who hadn't even been bad, (no offence but i HATE this line, the rhyming needs to be more spread out, try putting more information about the boy before puting "wasnt even bad"...enough for a couple of lines just to keep the rhyming pattern going)



Sad he looked around once more, (try again instead of more, because the next line ends with more too)



He saw a thing that stunned him even more!



A door,



A door on a cloud floor. (i like these two lines they flow together nicely even though there are the rhymes so close together, you make them fit)



A pair of blue eyes looked at him,



Behind the curtains of heaven,



The creature came out,



The killer screamed aloud, (it seems like you were at a lack of anything that ryhmed with out....rhythm kinda cuts off)



He soon recovered,



And soon discovered, (i dont like this rhyme, seems too close together again, but that's just a personal opinion)



as he saw not the monster as he had expected,



but a small angel,



Awfully tired, not rested. (tired and not rested are the same thing and it seems as though you're talking to a two year old and trying to teach vocabulary, try changing awfully tired to something like "amazingly beautiful but not at all rested"...that is if you want the angle to be protrayed as beautiful)



The angel told him that he was suspended from heaven, (try changing the word suspended it makes it sound like he's getting kicked out for a period of time)



He waved his hand in the air and asked why.



The angel looked at him sternly,



"Because of a murder that's why". (i dont like the repeat of the word why, again just a personal opinion)



The man looked back sadly,



The killer said he was sorry,



Behind the angel some one said don't worry. (i like these last three lines they were put together well)



The killer looked who had spoke, (try "the killer looked TO SEE who had spoke)



What he saw made him almost choke. (choke and spoke go together nicely good job!)



Behind the angle stood the lad who wasn't even bad. (again lad and bad too close together)

I didn't really like the imagery and alot of the meaning was a little scewed the rhymimng pattern was annoying after a while but oerall it was solid and u obviously have some talent so keep pressing

Moix. Huomasinpas nyt tämänkin sitten ja aattelin antaa rivjuun.


First off, when I was reading this, it felt like the narrator was in a hurry, and tried to explain everything as quickly as possible, and therefore couldn't keep any breaks in between, but instead said everything like it was a one, big sentence, and because of that, the atmosphere is like panting. See what I mean? I tried to demonstrate my meaning, because I know I'm not the best explainer in the world.

I also felt that the flow could be better. Like now there are lines that don't quite work with one another because they're of different length. It's not always bad, but now it bugged me a little. You could also use more imagery and make us imagine the things in our heads instead of shoving them down our throats. I hope I made myself clear again...

For example, let's take this line:

the lad who hadn't even been bad

The killer said he was sorry,



Behind the angel some one said don't worry.

I would say that this poem is okay but there is potential the poem was great but it could be better putting in the tought.
I like the idea which is true but I could say I liked it but I didnt.
There is lots of potential so keep on writing but think more
then write it on paper but this is great that is why everyone learns from mistakes.
I'd like to see more of your writing.
This type of topic should be more mature in the word writing.
I would apreciate if you could critique some of my poems.
Have a great Day!
Regards~JujuMayuDreamer14

What he saw made him almost choke.
Behind the angle stood the lad who wasn't even bad.

nice (:
...
yes, that's all im gonna say
..
because everyone has said stuff i wanted to...
...
darn...

-grimy

Please don't swear unless it's in a literary work! Love, Poetry Crew.

weeeel.. acctually this is the first draft.

I didn't like this. The idea and all is okay, but the execution was... well, poor. Lots of the rhymes are forced. The rhymes sometimes don't make sense.

You need more imagery, more powerful words and go through it all again. It sounds like you've just done a first draft and posted it. This poem could be so much better.

hi i really like your style though there are parts of your poem i did not understand especially the beginning.

with the fact that the lad "was not even bad" I wanted to tell you that the man had never done any wrong against any other person... with the bill (on the head man's hill) I want to emphasise that he was a murderer and that the bill would be his punishment for the murder (he was to be executed)

The thing that the lad came there to let him in meant that, the lad had forgiven him.

I'll work on it still abit so that it would be better... Thanks for the critt

Lord Anzius wrote:As he huffed far away,
From his bill,
on the head man's hill,
He stretched his limbs,
and looked around.

Only now,
did he regret,
that he had killed,
the lad who hadn't even been bad,
Sad he looked around once more,
He saw a thing that stunned him,
A door,
And a cloud floor.

A pair of blue eyes looked at him,
Behind the curtains of heaven,
The creature came out,
The killer screamed aloud,
He soon recovered,
as he saw not the monster as he had expected.
but a small angel,

The angel told him that he was suspended from heaven,
He waved and asked why.

The angel looked at him sternly,
The man looked back sadly,
The killer said he was sorry,
Behind the angel some one said don't worry.
The killer looked who had spoke,
What he saw made him almost choke.
Behind the angle stood the lad who wasn't even bad.

Hm.

I didn't like this. I'm not sure why, I just didnt. I know this is not any help so I'm going to come back to it later and try and tell you why I didnt like it.

u.u''

Sorry.
Orange.

Fellow wrote:are you intending to write a whole book in rhymes ? o.O Just asking.

Quite frankly, I can't find anything to change in this poem. It's perfect! This time its you who earned a gold star from me.

I liked this alot. =]

are you intending to write a whole book in rhymes ? o.O Just asking.